Sometimes I lie awake in the morning without getting out of bed. I daydream about what I want to be when I grow up. Then I remember that I have grown up, and I start to wonder exactly if this is who I intended to be.
I’ve noticed,
at times,
That things are perfect.
Like the way the sunlight hits you in the morning
And you open one eye and smile
And in all the whiteness I forget
That I haven’t died,
But this soft yellow halo
That binds us over the blankets
Is smiling
And as proud of us
As anything else it rises on
And I notice
When I’ve said the right thing,
the right way
And watched the boulders come tumbling
From your back
No longer held by this
You float away
And I watch you through squinting eyes
Determining where you may land.
I also notice the severity
Of bad moves and indecision
When my voice begins to shiver
Unfamiliar with the territory
Of self defense,
The way I need to look into your eyes
When I doubt myself
When stage lights come on
In the usual bar
When I catch myself drifting
To sleep
Watching you
Inevitably peaceful
Aware that tonight
I will probably dream of horrible things
That you won’t know til morning
(If Ever)
And at that moment
I allow myself to think
This
is
Perfect.
Are there no more good memories to be made
One by one they begin to look the same
And I thought about the paths we take
The one that brought me here, to your small world…
(It’s harder than it looks, isn’t it?
Harder than it looks…)
If there is a passage way
To lead me from the cold remains
To help me return your gaze
And fake a smile,
Hang in there, babe
I can’t stand to see that sadness in your face
But I can’t make you happy
If you don’t think things can change
(It’s harder than it looks, isn’t it?
Harder than it looks…)
And what about those green eyed beasts in me
Who think love is a wild dog
Who comes trotting home with your heart in her jaws
Maybe I’m being sentimental
But don’t pretend that there’s nothing wrong
And looking back is somehow easier
Than facing this empty shell.
I know you mean nothing by it
But I feel the nothingness
The painful wearing down
As your soul loses sheen
As I take the glitter from your eye
The more I focus
The less I see it
There’s movement in the corners of my eye
And your lips
Are trying to match the syllables they make
But they twitch and stutter
I had you
But I was
Right where you wanted me
We were landmarks in our own lives
Devastated by the earthquakes
The tremors from a threat to safety
No appeal in moving on
Only the uncertainty of damage
A landscape we were well aware of
I know you think
This is nothing
And will blow over
But a zephyr is a funny thing
It can take your hands
And break them
Simultaneously.
You’re taken from me like candy
And I cry like the inner child I fall back on
All I want
Is to feel the breeze empty me of you.
But hatred
Unlike most emotions
Is so loyal
With its graying head on my knee
Asking so politely in between its labored breath,
Should I take them down for you
Do you want me to lay them
At your feet
And with my hand
On its sparse fur
Mange and distrust flinches
Over these ribs that no one trusted
Before I lay my hand
As witness, so help me god
Your intent is right
I feel it in me
It trembles like it needs protection
But I am safe
They made me a wreath of moonlight
They put the laurel on my brow
Offered peace and a wedding ring
But my old friend, he growled,
His hackles raised, his tail about
He points his nose to it
He says I think it should go down
And who am I to argue,
But this time, I keep it to myself,
Tell him to lie back and rest awhile
And hatred, this familiar friend,
He keeps returning
He retrieves what I thought I had left behind
Hatred,
You familiar dog
With my enemies in your teeth
Drop their limpness on my feet
You said I will silence the noise in your dreams
You want answers
You want to help
And I want answers
To the way I’ve felt
But what this is
Will not help…
Dear hatred, don’t be so loyal to me
There is no place here at my feet
For the bodies
For the offerings you bring to me.
So it goes
I’m still here
Somewhere so are you
The pieces settle
Broken, but aware
And shuffle back together
I saw you yesterday
Through a window
And it made me smile
But it hurts a little
Like a bee sting
I want to ask you how it’s going
But I wouldn’t dare
Because like a bullet
I ripped through you
Turned your feelings into meat
because that’s the only way I knew
To get close to you
I am sorry that I hurt you
but thank you for the misery
It took the tragedy for me to understand
That I won’t be sad that I’m still here
And I will love someone who loves me
I will love someone who loves me
And I’m sorry that it can’t be you
I am happy now
And I wish you the same
I saw you yesterday…
I knew an oak tree
And this old tire swing
We used to run to
When we were young
But in the winter
When autumn cut her hair
They fell the oak tree
And left the tire swing
To age in the drying leaves
And the frost climbs
Up your spine
I am deaf and dumb and blind
And I miss you
Don’t have a place to be
You were my safety
Like the oak tree
You brought me to my knees
I am a weakling…
Your promises are prom dresses
To cover up your best lies
I’d be impressed were you not wearing the wrong size
But honestly don’t matter much to me
Because I know good intention well
And there are darker roads to hell.
You got a book for me to read, well that’s fine
I’ve had worse ways to kill my time
But I’ve found deeper meaning in the shallows of a blonde
I don’t hold it against you, but come on
Your best intentions are broken inventions
Of archaic centuries
but it’s amusing to me
I’d be impressed had you not required assembly
Tell me your story
But don’t expect me to sympathize
Your suffering is just a fling
With a darkness we’ve all got inside…